Relinquishing fear

The fear had once again resurfaced; not that it had ever actually disappeared. But this is simply a matter of surrender, and when the fear re-livens, to surrender. And at times, I won’t even recognize my struggles being rooted in my fear.
Last Wednesday night we had a time of confession of sins and fears, and a cleansing from these by the washing of one another’s feet. In the beginning, I was reluctant to pray over or speak into people’s lives who were opening up because of what God has been teaching me about silence. And because of the importance of this teaching in my life and how it relates to this story, I will take a detour to tell about it.
So, as I talked about in my last blog entry, I had really been fighting for opportunities to just come away and be with Jesus. But gently He had been teaching me how to let Him quiet my heart even while I was surrounded by people in the flurry of activity throughout the day. He was showing me the solitude that could be had within the sanctuary of my heart that is the temple His spirit resides in. Tenderly, He was leading me to take advantage of even just the moments of silence or stillness, and in this way to abide in Him. In the mornings as I still laid in bed, He drew my heart into a state of listening meditation before Him to gain His perspective, transforming my attitude. And as I allowed His Words to wash over me, groggy changed to anticipation and hope, and grumpy reversed to gratitude and joy. After morning exercise, He would draw me aside to where He was painting the sunrise with vivid brushstrokes. After breakfast, we would sit on our shady bench together as He read me His thoughts, bringing clarity to my own. We sneaked away together after dinnertime to our most favorite bench enshrouded by a tree, perfect for reclining against, and overlooking a pond, its ripples dappled with the day’s last drops of sunlight. And I love it when Jesus grabs my hand to escape on an adventure together: climbing a tree, traipsing through a meadow, or stealing away into the stillness of night to lie beneath the silent blanket of stars. He has been reminding me of my unrestrained, unburdened love for Him while still at home, and alluring me back into the singing, laughing, and dancing to the music of life, bringing hope even to the valley of trouble (Hosea 2:14-15). In moments like these I find myself basking in a joy that comes simply from the beauty of being. As my mom tells me, each day is a gift, and I desire to live in eager expectation of God’s intent for every day I’m blessed to exist. And day by day, I’m beginning to hear more distinctly the unmistakable whisperings of His spirit to mine throughout the day. Most surprisingly to me, these whisperings occur even in the midst of my conversations with others, allowing me to replace the many words I otherwise would have spoken with the simplicity of wisdom His words afford.
But listening to His Spirit also gave me a certain sense of trepidation, as if I was tiptoeing through meaningful conversations, holding my tongue more often than not for fear of speaking my own words rather than His. In doing this, I forfeited the vulnerability of openly sharing my heart, which was in part subconsciously motivated by a fear that people would not care to know. So this brings me back full circle to my hesitance to speak or pray over people during foot washing, and still more, to share what fear lingered in my own heart.
So here’s the fear: that God is uprooting my heart from the fertile soil of home with all of its nurturing relationships with family and friends. I find that when Christ asks me to surrender everything for His sake, I withhold my father, mother, brother, sisters, and friends from Him. I cling so tightly to home, which is a refusal to acknowledge Him alone as my home. I hold fast to the people of home whom I so dearly love, which prevents Him from being my All in All. And as long as I decline to relinquish both home and the people of it to Christ, I remain in a state of idolatry.
But along with the damage done to my relationship with Christ by my idolatry, my relationships with the people away from home are also inhibited. I witness this self-fulfilling prophecy unravel of my belief that I could never be as close to anyone as I am to the people of home. I anticipate that people will not know or understand me as deeply, so my tendency is to still strive to know them, yet often with a limited reciprocation of vulnerability.
Sharing this fear to a couple of teammates was the first step to conquering it, but certainly many more steps ensue. These teammates prayed over me and washed my feet, yet the struggle is not over. And I feel like this is more spiritual than I realize. There is a ubiquitous battle being waged between angels and demons. And I believe that Satan often works discreetly, and that this seemingly subtle fear is causing me to withhold from my team, which affects our ministry. Although I am also aware that much of this is simply homesickness. But either way, I would deeply appreciate prayer for this, and am so grateful for those of you who have already prayed over this. Many thanks, and I love you all so much!

Hope

Hope. This word embodies what God has been teaching me throughout this last week. My Savior has been whispering this word over my heart again and again. And “the God of hope [has been filling me] with all joy and peace as [I] trust in Him, so that [I might] overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13).

At present, I am listening to Chris Tomlin’s ardent worship wash over my soul and am searching every reference to hope I can find throughout Scripture (with the help of a friend’s concordance). Though many of these verses are filled with empowering encouragement, one in particular that speaks to me (though perhaps cliché) is Isaiah 40:31. “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

This verse speaks to me deeply due to my desperation for rest in this place. Physically, emotionally, and in particular spiritually I have been literally yearning for rejuvenation. This verse promises renewal of strength to those who hope in the LORD; that they will no longer grow weary, even in the midst of running. But part of this is discipline. In order to be physically refreshed, I must have the discipline to go to bed earlier and, instead of trying to be involved with everything that’s going on, to sometimes choose simply resting or “being.”

Emotional renewal comes at times like now, when I take a break from the frenzied activity around me to take aside the time to process the flurry of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I must be sharing the experiences of life I have here both with the people physically around me as well as continuing to share life to some extent with people from home. I have felt so estranged from home, this being my first opportunity to connect with people from there. And even blogging now feels relatively empty since this is a monologue, a one-sided conversation, and I know nothing of what is going on with those I love from home. This is where some sacrifice comes in, because I would be on my email right now before blogging, except internet here is inconsistent at best. But because there are only certain times when I’m even able to try getting online, I am at the mercy of happenstance (really the serendipity of God’s mercy and wisdom) to whether it will even be at the right time for getting internet. And as my neglected emailing correspondents are aware, this has not yet happened.

But this struggle ought to be diminished by my openness with my community here, but my life-long battle with vulnerability rages on. This is an area where hope has been most essential for me. And I feel as though God has been unveiling my eyes in many ways regarding misconceptions I’ve supposed of how people might react to my raw honesty and uninhibited personality. These preconceptions have proved both true and false, good and bad, but most importantly God has been teaching me that regardless of human response, I must persevere in being utterly real. And if I admit when I’m a wreck inside, people may even be able to relate, and this vulnerability may bring us closer. This has certainly happened in some instances, though in others (though less frequently), I might feel further ostracized.

However, spiritual rejuvenation is by far the most integral of the three. I have never in my life struggled with such effort to meet with God daily, only to have the bell ring for the next activity before I feel as though I’ve intimately connected with God. I hardly know what to do about this because I certainly both desire and strive toward this daily intimacy, but maybe I’ve just been spoiled up until this point, and just can’t expect to always experience that rich personal interaction with Christ, and should be more than satisfied with the depth of corporate worship and learning that daily occur in this community.

I was talking to one of my leaders about this, and she compared my relationship with Christ to a potential relationship with a husband (an analogy which has always deeply resonated in me). I was yearning for time alone with Christ, although He’s always with me and I experience His fellowship in community with others here. Likewise, even if I was spending ample time with a human husband in groups of people, it could never replace or compare with the time spent alone with him. And the devastating truth of the matter was that even though Christ was always with me, I found myself missing Him deeply, soul aching for His intimacy. I heard Him unceasingly whispering “Come away with me” to my heart, but every time I did or tried to was either interrupted by the next activity, prevented, or not as fulfilling due to the many distractions inevitably surrounding me, whether they are mosquitoes and gnats or people talking.

But I have learned much of the beauty of simply being in God’s presence, regardless of how deeply I feel I connect with Him, or how much what I learn from His heart resonates within my own. I have experienced transcendent restoration through simply being with Christ. I feel as though the principle of companionable silence I’ve experienced so readily with family, I now know how to apply to my relationship with Christ, even while I’m amidst a group of people.

So rewinding back a week, our training here in Mexico began with three days of solitude. During this time we could neither talk nor interact with the people around us. The only beings I talked to during that time were God Himself and a few cows looking on as I talked or sang to Him. It was such a beautiful experience to have so many hours of uninterrupted quality time with my Husband. And I think that coming out of this time made it all the more difficult to adapt to the desperate hunger of finding an opportunity to spend time alone with Him.

Following this time of solitude, the Spirit has been moving in powerful ways, including moving our community to sing new songs that spring from our hearts during worship times, going on prayer marches during the middle of night on behalf of another teammate, and breaking the bondage of Satan’s lies in people’s lives. And it has been incredible digging deep into Scriptures to discover more of Jesus’ character, His teaching, and the lifestyles of the early church following Jesus’ teaching and life. God has been so good to me in putting me in this sort of learning environment at this time in my life.

Every afternoon our teams divide and go to our “adopted families” around the area. This last week our task was simply to observe and learn of our families’ lifestyles. My team’s family has four kids: Cynthia (12), Lisbeth (8), and twins, Adrian and Adriana (4). Their mom Mary is extremely hospitable and kind; and all her kids are very sweet and fun. One of my first precious moments with their family came when we were walking back to the base the second day after our visit. Adrian had been at a relative’s house living nearby, and when we walked past he ran over to me, jumped up and threw his arms around me! I am so in love with his twin, too - little Adrianna - and love holding her on my lap every time we go there. I was so overwhelmed with the sweetness of life when shy little Adrianna leaned in and gave me a kiss goodbye right on the lips when we were leaving several days ago, and now it has become a goodbye tradition!

So that’s just a bit of what’s been going on down here. For those who are checking my blog, I probably will be able to update it every Sunday. You can pray for my rejuvenation spiritually, emotionally, and physically (and that I’d have the discipline to go to bed early!) Please also pray that I will have time every day to come away with God. And finally, pray that I will have the boldness to be vulnerable with my teammates, so our relationships can go deeper. Thank you so much for your prayers already – they have made all the difference here! I miss you all at home so much and love you deeply!!